mother-scratcher

Friday, December 16, 2005

ISO: instructions for shit assemblage.

Sorry, Countdown. We've all been sick 'round here. I've been having migraines for the first time in my life. Yesterday I went to the medicine cabinet to take two Wal-Profen and absentmindedly took two Prozac instead, on top of my daily dose. That may explain my motivation this a.m. to get this done, so here's your meme. It was mostly gleaned from the 99 things list, don't know if it'll be all that interesting:

Fact one: Two of my toes are webbed. No lie.

Fact two: I share a birthday with Mister Former President William Jefferson Clinton Esquire.

Fact three:
One of my ex-boyfriends once pissed on Jacques Derrida's shoe. There are witnesses.

Fact four:
When I was eleven, my mother cuffed me on the back of the head for referring to eggs as "chicken periods" in the grocery store. I think of it nearly every time I make Cedra a toad-in-the-hole.

Fact five:
Once there was this beautiful seven story Haussmannian luxury apartment building in Paris. I set it on fire.

Fact six:
My huz made my wedding ring. It involved tying the mold to a string and spinning it above his head for a long, long time. About two months ago I took it off and threw it across our bedroom. I didn't find it for two weeks.

Fact seven:
I smuggled a rabbit out of Guatemala in my pants. He was in a fish aquarium in front of a pet store next to our hotel in Antiqua, with about twenty other rabbits. I just had to save him. We smuggled him across four borders and on two international flights, plus a third flight from Houston to SF. He rode in my backback, except through customs. Then he was in my pants. Yes, this was post-9/11.

Fact eight:
Michael once gave me petrified sloth dung for my birthday. We were living in Oregon at the time, and it's like the state rock there or something.

Fact nine:
As I type, Cedra is lifting up my shirt and chanting "Neh-nehs! Neh-nehs! Yah, yah, yah!" Neh-nehs are household vernacular for breasts.

Fact ten: My mother-in-law is taking us to Cirque de Soleil tonight, then we're gathering at her house to celebrate Solstice. snort. The MIL has claimed Solstice as her holiday, since we're always somewhere else for Thanksgiving-Hanukkah-Spendmas-New Years. No, Solstice isn't until the 21st, but we'll be in Oklahoma then. They're not into Solstice yonder. I'm hoping this will feel like the shortest day of the year, regardless.

7 Comments:

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Dutch said...

okay but was Derrida wearing the shoe at the time?

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger llamaschool said...

J.D. was indeed wearing the shoe.

This was circa 1982, and the BF had flown from Berkeley to Johns Hopkins to interview for graduate admission to the French program. He'd been up for 3 days studying for finals, then took a red-eye flight to Baltimore. He showed up at 8:00 a.m. and his future thesis advisor took him directly to J.H. to hear a lecture given by "a former J.H. prof, icon of modern Letters."
Well, the groggy BF stumbled into the bathroom and, while standing at the urinal, accidently shook off on the shoe of the very short old man standing next to him. Five minutes later, in the lecture hall, the same short old man took the podium. It was Derrida. They were introduced later, but neither mentioned the mishap.
BTW, I observed that when this BF was drunk and in a bar with an audience of grad students he seemed quite proud of the incident. When sober, he used it as a metaphor for the crappy downward spiral that his graduate career later became.

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Dutch said...

Huh. Even Algerian deconstructionists need to piss, and they're bound to get a little on their shoes.

My undergrad advisor for this paper I did on translating Homer was this old school american pragmatist motherfucker who was known solely around campus for punching foucault in the face (and not sexually).

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Apartment Number One said...

Thanks, llamaschool. I was hoping I'd get to hear more about your smuggling past.

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

I share a birthday with Clinton also!

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger Melanie said...

How were the holidays? the shortest day of the year couldn't have been too bad with a trip to see the Cirque.

keep on bloggin. ;-)

 
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